My 9 month old nephew is like a crawling tornado. Kid walks into a room and instantly does everything he's not supposed to do. Rips the cable out of the TV, tears up papers, throws books around the room. And everyone thinks it's so cute. This doesn't work for adults. You can't walk into a room, throw garbage around the place, spit your drink in someone's face, slap a girl on the ass, and then puke in the corner and have everyone say, "Oh, he's so cute."
He also crawls everywhere and gets all filthy. I have a solution: They should make pajamas for toddlers made out of Swiffer pads. Then the kid can just crawl around to every corner and get some cleaning done. Would kick the ass of that Roomba thing.
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email mattruby@hey.com.
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