"Tortured" artistsYou know who must hate the phrase "tortured artist"? People who have actually been tortured. "Hey John McCain, you know how you spent six years in a box in Hanoi? I know how that must have felt because I spent six years hosting a bad poetry slam in Berkeley in the late '90s. Yeah, the way you got your fingernails ripped out and your ribs broken, I feel that same kinda pain when there's too many syllables in my Haiku. And you know how you can't lift your arm above your shoulder anymore because it's too painful? I can't even smoke clove cigarettes anymore...it's just too painful emotionally."
Indie rock bands with "Wolf" namesEnough with the "wolf" bands: Wolf Parade, Wolfmother, Wolf Eyes, Wolfie, etc. I predict these names for the next batch: Wolfowitz, The Wolf Wolf Wolves, Castle Wolfenstein, And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Wolf Shit.
Supersweaters at the gymI snapped this guy on the stairmaster at my gym. Dude needs to use that towel before the places turns into his own personal sweat reservoir. Look at the steps on the machine...there's actually a waterfall of sweat dripping down the whole thing. Also: The black socks with sneakers look ain't so hot either.
This guy wearing a helmet on the stairmasterHe's using the stairmaster and wearing a helmet. With a mask. Did I miss something? Is there a new level on the stairmaster where the machine starts shooting hockey pucks at you? "Gotta be safe, bro." Maybe he's just super clumsy and also puts on shoulder pads when he takes a shit.
People who write witty Evite repliesWhen did the Evite reply area become the open mic of the invitation world? "Ooh, it's my big stage...Finally, I get to shine!" No, it's an RSVP to a party...just chill. No more lame "The charges were dropped, i'll be there!" Or "Cinco de Mayo party...yo quiero tequila!" Yo quiero for you to not show up. Also not funny: your outgoing voicemail and wacky holiday ties.
This "Spring Awakening" billboardThe quote on this poster says, “Broadway may never be the same.” That isn't necessarily good. You could say the same thing if Broadway was the location of a terrorist attack. Imagine you ask me to housesit. When you came back, you probably wouldn't be happy if I said, "Your bathroom may never be the same."
Menus above urinalsThis place has its menu above the urinal and it's got fancy sounding items like "Brioche French Toast" on it. Like I'm gonna think the place is all swanky now. "Honey, let's get brunch at that fancy restaurant. You know, the one with the menu above the urinal!" They should put the drink menu on the toilet paper too.
Pervert vigilantesThe head of the group that finds the "To Catch a Predator" guys is a weirdo too. In an interview, he said he spends "seven days a week, mostly from a laptop in his bedroom" pretending to be an underage girl in chat rooms. Gee, thanks for getting all the creeps off the street...grown man who's not a cop yet spends two-thirds of his life pretending to be a 13-year-old girl named Tiffany who's really into horses, Hannah Montana, and anal. Nothing strange about that! (Note: He's also got that weird thin-beard thing going on.)
Anyone who picks out ridiculous items for their wedding registry
"It's things that we *need* to build our life together." Bullshit. 2/3rds of most registries I've seen are items that these people don't need and won't use. Really, you need Samoan serving plates, a platinum couture butter tray, and a set of Martha Stewart Nonskid Mixing Bowls? Because your bowls are normally sliding all over the place, right? "Please Martha, stick some Firestones on the bottom of these bowls so they stop flying out the window every time I dip my spoon in my Cheerios."
This "Mob Candy" magazine coverI'm walking down 1st Avenue and I see this poster promoting Mob Candy magazine. Then I'm like wait a minute, there's something weird about this Krista Ayne chick that's on the cover. She looks familiar. Oh no...The eyebrows, those lips, that thing resembling a nose...She's totally Michael Jackson! Click here to see what I mean.
