The other week I went on an audition for some Friar's Club roast contest. I didn't really take it very seriously and just prepared a few jokes on The Pussycat Dolls. (We could choose any pop culture icon to skewer.) For example:
People give the Pussycat Dolls a hard time, but I think they're really attractive for transvestites.
Ladies: Al Gore wants to talk to you after the roast. He says your hairspray usage just tripled the hole in the ozone layer.
My fave PD song: Don't cha wish your girlfriend had VD like me?
And now they're breaking into TV too. I really love their show too, you know, "Deadliest Catch." Who knew crabs could get that big?
Yeah, pretty dumb. I know.
So I show up at Gotham at noon one day and it's actually a legit audition with like 20 people in the room (no idea who they were). Richard Belzer — in a snazzy suit and accompanied by a cute, little dog — and two other people I don't know are judging.
The guy running it tells me to "talk to the chair." I start and I'm talking to the chair on the side of the stage for most of the time when I realize there's a chair right in the middle of the room that says "subject here" and then I'm like, "Shit, which chair?" And I'm bombing because these jokes aren't actually funny. It wasn't pretty. At least the whole thing was done in 2 minutes.
Belzer said he didn't really know anything about The Pussycat Dolls since he's old. Another judge said it was a bad choice since the winner gets to roast Matt Lauer and Katie Couric will be there. And they said i seemed nervous and the material was predictable, etc. I said thanks and shuffled off.
Sooooo, looks like I won't get to roast Matt Lauer. But don't worry, my heart will go on!
