Romantic comedies are to women what porn is to men

Ladies hate it when guys watch porn. They say it gives us false expectations about women. That's true. But the same thing is true with women and romantic comedies. A lot of false expectations. Girls want the fairy tale. Guys want a different kind of tail. Either way, we're all watching movies filled with stuff that will NEVER happen.

In romantic comedies, profession doesn't matter at all. A hooker can marry a tycoon. That never happens in reality. In porn, profession doesn't matter...but in a completely different way: The people who get laid the most are 1) pool cleaners and 2) pizza delivery boys. Good luck with that fellas.

In romantic comedies, luck means everything. A guy will chase through the entire city of New York looking for the one $5 bill with her phone number on it because it's serendipity (which we remember since it's a fun word to say). In porn, luck NEVER matters. Every woman will have sex with any man she meets because it's bukake (which we remember since it's a fun word to say). See, they even use the same tools.

In romantic comedies, girlfriends love to get together and sing Motown oldies into a hairbrush. In porn...well, I don't even know what the equivalent is in porn. Probably something completely different with girlfriends and a hairbrush. Anyway, it's something that never happens for real.

So enough with the fairy tales. What we need to do is come together. What we need is romantic porn. How that would go: Instead of the maid marrying the mayor, she's gonna hook up with the pizza delivery guy. Now that could happen. The cast: Renee Zellwegger and Ron Jeremy...because both are equally unappealing to the opposite gender. (I know, ladies...ewwww. But now you know how we feel every time Bridget Jones is on TNT.) And I've even got a name for this flick: "Serendip-it-into-me." Either that or "He's Just Not That Inside You." Or maybe "My Big Fat Greek Dick."