Some things I posted recently at twitter.com/mattruby:
If you have a "favorite vodka," you really just have a "favorite ad agency."
Subwaydenfreude - the joy felt when you descend subway stairs, see a bunch of annoyed people waiting, and realize a train will arrive soon
Groupon really brings out the Jew in me. $30 for a Brazilian Wax? I'm considering it! [Heads off to Google "sugaring techniques."]
There aren't a lot of celebrity sightings on the Staten Island Ferry.
I really think Hank Williams, Jr. needs to apologize for what he's done. Then again, I've felt that way about Hank Williams, Jr. for years.
Is Sasha Fierce pregnant too? If so, I bet she is doing it with ATTITUDE.
Fun thing about getting a foot cramp during sex: For a split second, it just seems like I am REALLY into it.
Based on the way girls comment on each other's photos at Facebook, I now think the word gorgeous means "slightly better than usual."
Going to the airport is especially painful for me since my ex-girlfriend's name is Boingo Hotspot.
I used to believe in punk rock. Three chords and the truth! These days, I'm happy with two chords and some white lies.
Gal I know said she never wanted to have kids. Then she turned 30 and met a guy who built shelves in her garage.
That town called Sag Harbor? I like to imagine it's actually SAG Harbor, a lagoon filled with unemployed actors auditioning for each other.
It's odd that guys who are totally broke are the ones most likely to have chains on their wallets.
Music vs. comedy: Every girl's dream is to have a song written about her. But every girl's nightmare is to have a joke written about her.
I think the weirdest thing about the 80s is that people thought saxophone solos were cool.
They say comedy is like jazz. So be sure to listen to the jokes I'm NOT telling.
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