Weddings should happen after year 20 of marriage. A big party for getting married is like getting a medal for deciding to run a marathon.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) February 22, 2012
Women with plastic surgery look young the same way that Sunkist soda looks like it comes from oranges.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) February 5, 2012
"Who are you wearing?" -Fashion Week red carpet OR cop interrogating serial killer who makes clothes from the skin of his victims
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) February 10, 2012
Singing TLC's "Waterfalls" without knowing the rap verse is like a best man who gives a toast & forgets the bride's name. #koreatownkaraoke
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 29, 2012
Too many men mistake wearing a hat for having a personality.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 22, 2012
Lesson learned: No apology should have "blah blah blah" in it.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 31, 2012
Strange that Apple calls it a Genius Bar. My first qualification for being a genius: figuring out how to not work retail.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 27, 2012
I grind my teeth at night. Because my brain wants to sleep and my body wants to destroy itself.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 25, 2012
Apparently bringing a flask on a first date is some sort of "red flag."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 6, 2012
Stiletto heels: The point is the effort. And the effort is the point.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 1, 2012
New York: Where people are too obsessed with themselves to judge you.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 30, 2011
I wonder which team griffins root for when the Eagles play the Lions.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 28, 2011
I suggest we toss out the phrase "whiskey dick" and replace it with "airplane mode dick."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 26, 2011
"Wine Spectator" magazine? My guess is it's for people who love STARING at wine. Maybe it even has centerfolds: "Talk about full bodied!"
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 16, 2011
The fact that we had to identify Casper as "the friendly ghost" just goes to show what giant pricks most ghosts are.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 1, 2011
Comedy is the most beautiful way to complain.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) November 29, 2011
Religion is for people who love answers. Science is for people who love questions.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) November 23, 2011
Found something worse than drunk dialing: stoned Grouponing. Not sure what Lipomassage means, but I'm getting 62% off of it.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) November 21, 2011
Saying you met a comedian from Boston who has a drinking problem is like saying you met a drunk from Alcoholtown that YOU WANNA FIGHT?
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) November 12, 2011
I prefer urban legends to rural legends. Urban legend is "There was an alligator in the sewer." Rural legend is "Homosexuality is a choice."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) October 19, 2011
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