Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email mattruby@hey.com.
7/12/12
Bee stung lips
I got stung by a bee on Monday night. No big deal you say? This bee flew into my mouth and stung me on the lip. And do you know what happens when you get stung on the lip? It starts inflating like an air mattress. Here, look at this pic. It looks like I had a collagen implant done by Stevie Wonder. Y'know, like the kind Meg Ryan gets. Oh, that's where I cross the line with you? What? You think Meg Ryan looks good these days. C'mon. Let's get real. People, let's just learn to age gracefully. That's what I say when I look at the bags under my eyes each morning. Seriously, they're getting outta hand. I look like the last season of Friends when Joey had those bags under his eyes that were so big I'm convinced an airline woulda made him check them. Look at me talking about celebs! So this is what I've been missing out on. Let's chat about cellulite and beach photos next! Anyway, I'm getting off track here. The good news is that my lip has recovered. The human body is an elastic thing. Phew. Strangely enough, this actually happened to me once before. I was drinking a beer and a bee flew into it as I drank and then stung my lip. Apparently, my lips are delicious to bees. Beelicious? If you own a line of lip gloss, feel free to steal that name.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Moving on/Subscribe to my newsletter
I only post on rare occasions here now. Subscribe to my Rubesletter (it's at mattruby.substack.com ) to get jokes, videos, essays, etc...
-
Even the best standups seem to just scrape by. Then you hear about a guy who got a late night writing gig. Pay's nice. Long hours but he...
-
Never been to a Letterman taping. But I've heard the studio is chilly due to Dave's orders. Was talking about it the other day with ...
-
Patton Oswalt preaches love instead of hate in standup. “Actually, I think when you’re younger, anger and comedy mesh together very, very w...
No comments:
Post a Comment